Some Serious Jerry Springer S***

The OC is back! The original first 'wives of Bravo are tuning in for a new season, and by the looks of it, bringing their implants and impossibly expensive dog clothes with them.

Let's dive right in, shall we?

Our line up consists of Clever Sometimes Villain Tamra Barney, Newly Donn-less Helicopter Mom  Vicki Gunvalson, Bible Barbie Alexis Bellino, Perky Purse Princess Gretchen Rossi, And New Girl Heather Dubrow.

First things first, we're introduced to Gretchen getting ready to meet with Tamra. Something that, for followers of the series, surely means that the apocalypse truly is upon us.

On a side note, we very much approve of Gretchen's fashion choices.

Slade, Gretchen's boyfriend and universally shudder inducing Househusband, naturally objects, on account of Tamra's past history with calling him a tool.

We really don't blame you, Tamra

Gretchen decides to go anyway, because, well, hell if she's going to listen to Slade of all people.


We check in on Vicki. Her house is for sale following her recent divorce from her now-ex Donn. We're treated to a little more reserved Vicki, she's quieter, she's wearing less makeup, and she's not quite as obnoxious as before. Son and future psych ward victim Michael is nagged about making his bed with the corner lines perfectly aligned. We learn that Brianna has moved out. We are very happy for Brianna. 


We also find out that Vicki's Ex Donn is still living at the house for financial reasons. Which, I gotta say, must be kinda weird. We are treated to an introduction to Brooks, Vicki's new beau, who bears absolutely no resemblance to Donn at all.

At all.

Next thing you know we see Tamra and Gretchen walking down the street side by side, and not clawing each others eyes out. The ladies sit down for a drink at what looks to be a very beautiful bar, and we strap on our seat belts for what will either be our first cat fight of the season, or a huge shift in OC's Balance Of Power.

I assume the owners of the restaurant have bolted down the table, and have plenty of towels on hand in the event of table-flippage and/or drink throwage.

We see an actual apology out of Tamra, and not a patented Vicki G "maybe-I-was-wrong-but-you-need-to-be-sorry-because-you're-fifty-million-times-wronger-feel-bad-for-meeee" apology either, but an honest, really trying to mend fences apology. Which is refreshing to see. Points to Tamra for that one. Tamra then breaks out a pink friendship bracelet and a somewhat cheesy "lock up our past, key to our future" analogy. The slight goofiness is overshadowed by the gesture however, and again, points to Tamra. The taboo subject of how Vicki will react when she finds her BFF and her Arch Enemy powing around together is brought up by Gretchen, and it's universally decided that the subject of their new found non-enemies status will be kept from her at all costs. Or at least until the show airs.

Scene cuts to Alexis. Yay! Time to check in on our favorite Malibu Jesus Barbie! Alexis and her assistant Christine are up early preparing lunches for the kids, as Alexis has found work being a beauty tips/health tips corespondent for Fox 5 San Diego. We're treated to our first Weird And Unexplainable Thing of the season in the form of Alexis telling her assistant to water down the kid's orange juice. Not exactly sure the rationale behind this one, but here's hoping it might be brought up at the reunion. Alexis tells us that because of her busy schedule, on Friday Jim has to take over the care of the kids. Seeing as how Alexis and her assistant seem to be doing the all of the prep, we're assuming that this involves... driving them to and picking them up from school? We also learn that apparently, if Alexis isn't there to manage things, basic functions like waking up on time are not within Jim's repertoire of skills and abilities. Also, Alexis apparently doesn't know that they don't have a working house phone.

Back to Vicki. Tamra stops by to see Vicki at the office, and we get a little more background on the split from Donn. We learn that Vicki hasn't seen Donn in about 2 months, even though he's a sometimes co-inhabitant of the currently for-sale Gunvalson household. This gives Tamra an opportunity to whip out some wit.

"Okay, Don still living at the house is some serious Jerry Springer s***."

We concur.


We learn that Tamra's relationship with beau Eddie is still going good, but that the divorce with Ex Simon is still ongoing. We also learn that Vicki's divorce from Donn is not going well so far. The ladies quickly switch topics into who to invite to Vicki's up and coming party. In what is perhaps a producer prodded move, Vicki lists off Gretchen. Tamra tells us that she kinda feels like she's cheating on Vicki by becoming friends with Gretchen.


We're introduced to our newest housewife! Tamra, being a realtor, is showing off a very nice piece of (very expensive- see: 4.9 mil for lot itself) real estate to our newest addition to the OC ladies, Heather Dubrow and Heather's realtor John.

Heather's a brunette, which must be what's throwing Tamra off a bit as she shows them around the property. Initial first impression of Mrs. Dubrow is not that bad. She seems kinda cold, but very classy. It'll be interesting to see who she's ends up befriending as the season unfolds. But as always, it's good to save initial judgement until a few episodes or so, and final judgement until around the season two reunion. Tamra scores Heather an invite to Vicki's party, and we have yet another reason to tune in for that social event of the season.


Back to Alexis, it's time for her segment on Fox 5 San Diego! Apparently, Alexis's segment this week is all about butt shapes, and how to get your ideal butt. We see Alexis prepping right before show time, and then, lights, camera, action!

Unfortunately Alexis gets a little nervous and tongue tied, being on live TV and all, and the resulting shenanigans are bad enough to get featured on this week's The Soup. Check out the recap here. We're treated to Alexis's awkwardly worded descriptive ass-fruit analogies, and Alexis talking about how she can fly to the moon if she wants, because, screw NASA it can't be THAT hard. 

(Now in her defense, I do think that being on live TV in general is probably a lot harder than it looks. What do you think?)


Alright, cut to new girl Heather having lunch with Tamra.

This should be interesting. We learn that the property the ladies looked at was just not enough for Heather, and so the search will continue. Heather shares some facts about herself with Tamra. She's been married "about twelve or thirteen years" and her husband Terry is a plastic surgeon. Tamra extends the invite to Vicki's party, which Heather seems to reluctantly take. Taken in context of past OC parties, we don't blame her. We also get a new little dig at Alexis via Tamra.

"I think Alexis will probably have the hardest time with Heather. Heather is everything Alexis wants to be and isn't. She's elegant, she's classy, she's smart and she has real money."

Ouch.


We see a quick cut scene of Alexis and her kids having dinner. One of the kids says grace and it's chalked full of cuteness. 

Alexis then shows up to hang out at Gretchen's bearing gifts for a little chat pre-party. The subject of former 'Wife Peggy comes up and Alexis shares that she hasn't seen Peggy since the reunion. Peggy's going to be at the party, and so Alexis is apprehensive. Alexis makes a joke about Tamra and Gretchen's relationship, and we see Gretchen pass up the opportunity to tell her about their new found non-enemies status. Gretchen explains that she thinks that there "definitely is a possibility that Alexis would get jealous of me and Tamra becoming good friends." And says that she and Tamra "are like secret lovers, it's very soap-opera-esk right now." Which is funny, seeing as how Tamra said the exact same thing in a separate interview.


Meanwhile, at the exact same pre-party-wine-drinking-prep-session at Tamra's house, Peggy stops by to dish on Jim and Alexis in general. Bravo gives us a view of both powwows simultaneously, so we can get a bead on who's the better gossiper. When asked about Alexis, Peggy replies "It's like dealing with a child. She's delusional, I mean the girl's nuts!" Tamra sighs, and attempts to say something nice by saying that she thinks it would be difficult to be Alexis knowing that Jim never told her about dating you.

Peggy's not convinced.

Tamra, like the rest of us, shares that she's still reeling over the news that Peggy and Alexis's husband Jim even dated. We learn from Peggy that "Mr. Jesus was quite the party-er," and that Jim dated "all the really hot girls in New Port." Then we're treated to another scene of Tamra making someone squirm under unwanted sexual innuendo, which brings our Number Of People That Wish Tamra Would Shut Up About Sex tally up to two for the episode. Tamra manages to work another compliment (her five thousandth, by our count) to Heather in, and another "pretending to be wealthy" dig at Alexis before the ladies leave for Vicki's party.

Back at Gretchen's, Alexis whines some more about Peggy, and insinuates that Peggy's obsessed with Jim and apparently stalked him at some point. Then a new friend of Gretchen's shows up, and we're introduced to our second brunette of the episode! It's none other than Sarah Winchester of Winchester Rifle fame. (No, not the crazy one who built the house for ghosts and died in 1922 for you history fans.) And, get this RHOOC fans, she's rumored to be dating none other than Shane Keough, son of former 'Wife Jeana Keough, according to the Daily Mail. Read more about that here. Sarah should be interesting, if for no other reason than she's a member of a rare breed in the OC, also known as brunettes.

We see both parties leave for the Party That Is Sure To Go Bad. Both groups pile into their respective limos, and head to the Gunvalson affair.


At Vicki's, we see some people (not Vicki) getting the place ready for the party and setting out food and such. Then we see Vicki and her friend Heidi standing around talking about how hard it was to pull everything off and (surprise) about Vicki's favorite topic, work. Vicki tells us how she wanted to give the party a little southern flare, her new beau being from the south and all, thus the "Cajun" theme. Vicki then bitches that no one's on time.


Over in Tamra's limo Heather seems to be slowly realizing what she's gotten herself into, and like a lamb to the slaughter, begins to squirm and look for the door handle. The ladies are ever helpful in not so subtly implying that the ladies not in said limo are, indeed, total bitches.


Back in Gretchen's limo Sarah seems to be getting that "WTF have I signed myself up for" feeling as well. Again, the ladies reassure her there everyone EXCEPT the ones in the limo are, essentially, bitches.


Bravo really wants to make sure you get the whole "dueling limos" thing well.


Over at Vicki's, we get to see a bunch of people (not Vicki) preparing for the party. Vicki then takes two seconds out of her complaining to ask if she can help. The people she's hired to prepare everything seem amused.

Gretchen's limo arrives first, and it's all smiles as everyone greets each other. Alexis comments that Vicki seems happier, which I have to say seems true, although it's far too early too tell. I think a better word for it might be calmer.


Soon after Tamra's limo arrives, and it's almost all smiles. Taking aside Peggy and Alexis. Tamra remarks that "this could be a disaster." We agree.


The show wraps up with some previews of the season. We see the ladies on some sort of a exotic trip, Gretchen preforming what we assume is her new single, Tamra's talking about (gasp) sex toys, Tamra's beau Eddie working out, a naked Gretchen, Slade preforming (shudder) stand up comedy, Alexis after what looks like a nose job, more of Heather, Slade talking about proposing to Gretchen and Slade's mother telling him not to, trouble in paradise with Tamra and Eddie, Heather yelling, more on Tamra's divorce, Vicki talking about cancer, Slade calling Vicki a bitch, more Team Alexis Vs. Team Tamra, Gretchen getting mad at Slade, Vicki yelling at Gretchen, and Heather needing a drink.


Whew! With all that ahead, and all that in just the first episode, who knows what new will happen on The Real Housewives Of Orange County next? Stay tuned for season seven, which airs every Tuesday on Bravo at 9/8 central.

And check out the 'Wives thoughts on the first episode here:
Alexis Bellino
Vicki Gunvalson
Sarah Winchester
Heather Dubrow

Confused as to what Heather Dubrow has been in acting wise? Check out her IMBD here.


So what do you think? Will Gretchen and Tamra's truce hold up? What do you think about new girl Heather Dubrow? Has anyone ever seen Dubrow's acting chops? Are you on Team Alexis or Team Tamra? And how about Slade's pic up there? Sound off in the comments!
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